he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
