Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
