So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
