i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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