Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
