Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Randomize