im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
