Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
