VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
