That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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