just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
