if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
