i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Randomize
