You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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