I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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