Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
