Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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