I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize