Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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