Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
