A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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