he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
