I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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