he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
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