Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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