There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Its about making memories worth repressing
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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