youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Panties = found
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
