my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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