He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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