its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize