when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
