All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
