Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Randomize
