i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
