I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
