All I know is that if italians start TIME TRAVELLING were all in a lot of trouble paizon
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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