Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize