two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
