when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
