We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Randomize
