She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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