seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
