My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
