So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
