my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
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