My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
