The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
