My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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