worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Randomize
