On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
