how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
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