btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
