he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
my sisters under your porch take her home
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize