That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize
