This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize