marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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