I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
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