u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
it's great music for shaving your balls
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Randomize
