Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Randomize
