i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Randomize
