So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
